Five: Pins that sum me up

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It is no secret that I LOVE Pinterest. It is a fantastic time suck for most, but I use it as a form of self-care in my life. Self-care is exactly as it sounds- taking care of yourself, being good to yourself, taking time, slowing down, etc. It’s something we all need now and then. Some of us need it more than others. Some of us ignore the fact we need it because we feel the need to take care of others before ourselves.

I’ve gathered a few pins to share with you about who I am, in a nutshell. It paints a sad, but beautiful picture of a person who cares for others so deeply and in such a genuine way that her sense of love for her own self often falls to the weigh-side. She’s a mess, but the world needs her. You need her. Or at least she hopes you do. Because if she can’t focus on the world, there is only herself left to lift up.

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I’ve lost my boot-straps, can I borrow yours?

I know this will be one more post in a sea of news stories and articles on depression and mental illness. But, with the untimely death of Robin Williams and with what I have been going through personally, I feel like it is the right moment to write something.

Let’s take a closer look at this bitch…

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Depression- a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person’s thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being.

That description is so abstract. There is no way an non-afflicted person can imagine what depression feels like by reading that. Which is probably why you get so many people talking about “snapping out of it” or something, something boot-straps. Which as we know, does nothing for the sufferer. I’ve lost my boot-straps, what the hell are boot-straps?!?

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Depression skews your reality. It whispers lies to you which you have no choice but to believe. You become so consumed with the ideas of not being enough, not being lovable, or having no value to the world at all. Everyone around you knows these things to be untrue, but you’re living in two different realities.

I’ve been in a pretty low, dark place over the last… I’m not even sure how long it has been, but it feels like forever. I’ve honestly forgotten how it feels to feel true happiness or joy. There are days which are better than others. Days where I smile and get my work done and don’t feel so awful. But there are also some days that are really bad. Days where it is hard to get out of bed, hard to be productive. You can’t name a single good thing about yourself and you convince yourself to understand why there is no love in your life.

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Those who are struggling with these feelings, we carry it around with us all day, every day. It is always present. We learn to hide it, close the doors while we are crying, have our go-to excuses for missing out on work or social events.

I’ve done the medication. I’ve done the self-help. I’ve done yoga and acupuncture. I’ve been to counsellors, psychologists, doctors, and psychiatrists. But, I’m in the same spot where I started.

Life has been going on like this for some time now. It’s hard to imagine an end to this bad trip and getting back to my true self. A self that I’m not sure I would recognize if I saw her on the street. A self I remember as smiling, positive, and optimistic about the world and her future.

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When will I feel better? Does anyone ever feel better? Does recovery from depression exist? I don’t know, but I’ll continue on this road and maybe, somehow, I will come upon an exit and be capable of making the turn-off.

Coming to Terms with Personal Style & the Big 3-0

95062bf9337d21a0960b30974e09a9d3Yesterday, a friend told me she has admired my style for years. To say the least, I was shocked. I’ve always felt like I’ve had such a hard time putting things together or knowing what looks good on me. I’ve felt awkward or out of place at times, but I think I’ve finally found what I feel good in and looks good. A few of my staples are: ballerina flats, skinny pants, V-neck t-shirts, cardigans, and pendants. I also toss in the odd scarf and over-sized brooch. You could call it my uniform. My colour palette is pretty neutral. I wear a lot of greys, blacks, navy blues, etc.

I work in a super casual office in a job that has me attending meeting at the Legislative building with government officials or crawling around on the floors of flop houses with low-income tenants. I usually have to think ahead and dress for the day, which can be difficult at times. I often show up wearing leggings one day, a blazer the next. Talk about a split wardrobe.

I turn 30 at the end of the month and I’ve been thinking a lot about the contents of my closet. I still have those pieces I love from over a decade ago- my ripped Misfits shirt, Fort Garry Gun Club tee with holes in the armpits, the one with the bear drinking a beer. These are some of my favourites, but it could be time to retire these pieces to weekends only or retire them all together.

In my 30th year, I’m going to work on cultivating my personal style, refining the uniform, if you will. It’s simple, classic, and with a few changes or additions here and there, I think I can take it to the next level. Who knows maybe it will even boost self-esteem or my career!

Just for fun, I’m putting together a Pinterest Style Board for inspiration. Take a look and give me a follow if you like!

What’s your uniform?